What Are Words For

when no one listens anymore.....

Greetings and salutations, citizens of Substackistan. Have been dipping in and out of this platform for the last few weeks…straddling the line between “being informed” and “losing my shit”. I checked out of my regular life for three days last week to hang with some lady buddies on the Oregon coast and that was some central nervous system self care extraordinare. We didn’t watch any news and we were on our phones minimally, mostly to take pictures and to do basic life admin. So it was THREE DAYS without “OMG did you see the latest fill-in-the-orange-man-related-catastrophe here?” We didn’t avoid talking about politics but it was the subject of conversation organically, mixed in with talk of work, family, health concerns, and stuff ladies talk about when they are in their secret meetings. You know, cat lady biz. ≽^•⩊•^≼

Upon returning to my regularly scheduled nonsense, I have been attempting to limit my news intake but even bits and pieces have my anxiety spiking enough that I really couldn’t come up with much to say. The last new piece I wrote, “Tell Me What You Want” had my most views to date which implies to me that you folks like to talk about the power of word choices in effective communication. On a writing website? Well, duh.

Tell Me What You Want

So here I am riffing on my thoughts on words and how important they are and how you should choose them carefully and what I’ve learned over the years trying to use words to get a desired result in my personal and professional life and how run on sentences are very very wrong and should be abolished.

Saying “I’m sorry” has been well covered on this platform by marvelous writers like Caroline

sorry//thank you

and Nan Tepper

Sorry, Not Sorry.

so I will merely add my two cents to the chorus of voices to add that for the first fifteen years of being a sky hostess I apologized every time I bumped anyone or anything. I was like a nonstop “SORRY!” machine making my way down the aisle like a pinball trying to stay in play. After the millionth time I apologized as a default, I realized I was not at all sorry and now I do not apologize for anything except in situations where I feel legitimate remorse. And those are few and far between.

Another word I tend to avoid now after years of being a fly girl: NEED. Years ago I was relaying my gripes to a therapist and I mentioned being annoyed by a passenger who wouldn’t hang up her phone after we had left the gate. He asked me what words I used when I discussed it with her; I said I told her I needed her to be off the phone. He said “You need air and water, you don’t need her to be off the phone. You have a job where it’s your duty to inform people of the rules. When you make it a personal plea, telling her your needs, it puts her on the defensive, thinking ‘Well, I NEED to be on the phone right now and why are my needs less important than your needs, 50 something year old lady with a name tag?’”

He made a good point. He then said, “Take yourself out of the equation. Relay the rules with a neutral bias, like ‘It’s time to be off your phone’”. I’ve found this approach not only is more effective, it also stings less when they don’t comply with my request. It doesn’t seem as personal therefore does not light up my hate machine as much. And I cannot be diverting precious energy into the hate machine…because when you’re out of spoons, you’re out of spoons, amirite?

Personally, I avoid the word “nice”. The definition of “nice” is to be “pleasant, agreeable, satisfactory”. Do those sound like words you want to be? Last I checked “satisfactory” means “good enough” or “passes muster” or C+ if we’re grading papers. And “pleasant” and “agreeable” are bordering on some trad wife vernacular. I tend to use the word “kind” instead, which equates to being friendly, considerate, and generous in nature. More than a subtle difference in my book.

“Happy” is a bit of sticky wicket in my world as well. Perhaps my Irish heritage prevents me from being labeled as a “happy” person and I am perfectly fine with that. I put “happy” in the same basket as “pleasant” and “agreeable”; first impressions are positive but let’s not let this be the gold standard for women’s personalities. I experience periods of great joy and contentment but I also tend to brood and overthink most things and occasionally wallow in despair over random injustices and I find people in general to be alarmingly annoying. Years spent in the airport may have colored my perspective on that. Would you like to see my hate machine? I just had it tuned up for the holiday travel season…it gets activated as soon as I hear Mariah Carey trilling about the C-word. (CHRISTMAS, people. Get your head out of the gutter.)

“Happy” is such an automatic NOPE for me that I avoided Dan Harris’ work despite the fact that many trusted friends said I might get something out of it. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S ONLY TEN PERCENT, NO ONE IS JACKING WITH MY HAPPINESS METER. Cut to me listening to Dan talking to John Heilemann (my political celebrity crush) in this ep of his podcast.

Dan reveals that after years of reporting on wars and disasters both natural and manmade and school shootings and all things newsworthy, he developed a complicated relationship with cocaine and had a panic attack on Good Morning America. What, exposing yourself to atrocities is bad for you? You have my full attention. He now spends his time “curating nuggets from modern science and ancient wisdom to help you do life better”. In short, Dan belongs in my wheelhouse and I regret letting his use of the word “happier” prevent me from digging into some tasty info. Dan recently brought his 10% team here to the Stack and it’s aimed at every day folk who are holding on like that 70’s kitty in a tree.

The original "Hang in There, Baby" poster by Victor Baldwin, 1971

Dan has a lot of election survival posts; some written, some audio, some video, some in the form of meditation. Something for everyone’s preferred way to cram data in their brain hole. A recent example:

Dan Harris: How to Survive the Election

Maybe you’ve given up on taking in information. I support that too. I’m trying to channel back to that Oregon coast hot tub time machine vibe myself.

For my last word on words, I always take a pause before I pull out anything starting with “At least you”, as in “At least you have a husband”, “At least you have a job”, “At least you have that doughnut” or whatever. In theory this starts as a plea to make the recipient grateful for whatever it is they “at least” still have, but it almost always comes off as bitchy. If my feet hurt, I do not want to hear how lucky I am to still have feet. If I am griping too much, then just say “It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing” (hat tip Ray Davies for not making it personal!) and don’t try to turn this into gratitude challenge. Everyone’s troubles are real to them, regardless of what they have or don’t have.

While we’re at it, I was reminded yesterday by the comments in this post by the brilliant

Broadwaybabyto

that “just” can often be a weaponized can of ableism.

JUST DO IT! JUST TRY YOGA! JUST MAKE IT WORK! JUST BE LIKE ME!

If only it were that simple. In the meantime, how about you JUST STFU ALREADY.

I’m curious about your word usage. Are there words you avoid or gravitate towards? Let’s talk about them here. Let’s share some ideas while we count the days until November 5th. Any election survival tips you’re using with any rate of success?

For non-US people, thank you for absorbing our angst over this mess. I am sure that November 5th will be Day One of the next chapter of What The Actual Fuck, America? but I’m committed to looking towards the light. I’m crossing my fingers it’s the light at the end of the tunnel and not an oncoming train.