Not that your circumstances weren't uniquely brutal, Eileen (FFS!!), but I am struck by how often there are kids in dysfunctional families who figure out ridiculously early, like before birth, that the only role not already claimed is that of rule follower, peacemaker, i-dotter and t-crosser. The sensitive one. The responsible one. The one who recognizes that the boat can't handle any more rocking without going down.
I don't know how you feel about it now, but I'm pretty darn glad your hormone explosion broke down those walls for you. And that it wasn't cancer.
And for what it's worth, screw those literary estholes.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I was hesitant to ever publish this one because I still have a relationship with my mother. She has never shown interest in my writing so I doubt she will see it, but as the forever rule following peacemaker, it seems like a major breach of all our unspoken agreements. It does feel like an acknowledgment of an extended period of washing myself clean.
I do have another "esthole" piece! The literary folk did teach me some good stuff...the author mentioned was Wally Lamb, who is a gem of a human being.
I like the idea of washing clean. I think it's especially important when health issues are also in play. One (or more) less ghost to distract us from the mission of squeezing all the juice out of what we've got left.
And if you say the literary folks ended up being worth their salt after all, then I retract my former jab. A gem of a human being does not deserve my unsubstantiated ire.
Thank you, Peggy. There is so much messy shit that gets sold to us as the way it is…it’s a crazy maker. I’m glad you take care of yourself and found boundaries, they make all the difference. ❤️
I’m just here shaking my head because we always find each other, don’t we? The kids who didn’t get to be kids because someone had to be the adult and no one else seemed capable. My heart hurt reading this, but I also know the relief that comes when you finally stop taking care of everyone. It’s an impossible job. And it’s also a relief and some kind of healing and freedom to put yourself, your feelings, your limits, and your needs on your own radar when you’ve never done that before. Because there wasn’t any space to do that. I just related so much and I’m very grateful our paths crossed. Sending you hugs and love across the interwebs, Eileen 🤍 So glad to know you xx
ALLY!!! I read a lot of Anne Lamott when I first started writing, this quote smashed me right between the eyes...
“I never used to take my turn. I always gave my turn away. I helped others have a great turn. I must have had a clipboard by the time I was six, because by then I had a whole caseload of people to keep track of. After they had all gotten a turn, then maybe I could go, if there was time and it didn't bother anyone.
Now I take my turn, as a radical act.”
AS A RADICAL ACT. And we DO find each other, because we need some support to continue taking our turns. I love love love all the strong women here banding together. It gives me hope.
ps I listened to your pod yesterday, I didn't know it was a discussion and not a straight reading of the essay. BRILLZ.
I just love her. Bird by Bird is probably the book I’ve given as a gift the most often, and not just to writers. She’s so funny and open and wonderful. And this is such an incredible quote you shared. All of us with our little clipboards!
And oh my gosh I’m so glad you liked the podcast. I had to record it twice this week because I wasn’t happy the first time around, and that’s never happened before. I think I’m so fired up I just went off the rails lol. Anyway I’m so glad you enjoyed. Hugs and love.
I don't have a mentally ill mother but I've got an older brother with fairly profound autism and an alcoholic father and I, too, was a very capable kid often described as being "7 going on 37." My brother wasn't even accurately diagnosed until 1985, when I was 20. I understand every single word of this, and you've helped me understand more about why I write.
Living with an undiagnosed brother for two decades is a heavy assignment. I’m glad writing has helped you, I feel so much less alone now that I’ve been able to put it into words.
I am brand new to your writing. I LOVE this!!! I was the middle child in a messy fessy family ...except I had a sewing machine not a clipboard. This was a fantastic share...and I SO can relate. I told someone recently that we had one of everything in my 6 siblings...one anorexic, one violent behavior, one blind mouse in the hole, a sociopath narcissist, a cloistered nun (who left eventually when they discovered her eating disorder) and one young brother who helped EVERYONE because he was a HELPER but died of pancreatic cancer at 46...he was the ONLY one he didn't take all the time to help! Oh my...I am now fine after off and on therapy and a great hypnotist in Michigan. and menopause where I just take good care of me now. I made a business of the sewing and that is awesome. I didn't know what a boundary was until after 50. THANK YOU...Keep writing. I love Anne Lamott. WAY to go...way to WRITE!
Blind mouse in the hole is a person who sees what is happening, but chooses to pretend all is fine by sticking their mind in a place where they cannot "see" what the reality is. Ignores the signs and signals and makes up an alternate reality where they 'live" in a hole they have dug for themselves.
I so feel this. I, too, was assigned the role of Ms. Fix It in my family. And what happened in the end was me having to spend the past many years trying to fix myself. Everyone has a breaking point. Also, yes to the bourbon making it better and then making it worse. Found that out the hard way. <3
It’s so good to feel like people get it, I took this piece to a writing group and it went nowhere so I figured it was not worth salvaging.
I was thinking when I read Ally’s comment on this thread about how we find each other about the first piece I read of yours. When I read the title “You Should Have Left the Light On”, I immediately thought “like in Sinead’s Troy?” and opened it. As I read, my mouth just dropped, I could not believe how much I felt your words. The wound is always close to the surface but feeling like I have peers who are able to put these experiences into words changes everything.
Life is better with less bourbon but I fully support your martini 🍸
One of my cousins said she thought I “raised myself.” Your story resonates with me, although my situation was a little different. There was no brother to care for, and my father was out of the picture. But I too dealt with a mentally ill mother. She was also physically disabled, and as an only child it was my job to care for her as well as for myself. I understand the screaming.
That is such a major responsibility for a child. I have no doubt it was crushing. I hope the screaming is under control, thank you for taking the time to share here. Sometimes knowing people get it can be a source of comfort.
I’m sorry. No one deserves what has happened to you. Every person deserves to be loved, to be helped, to rest in loving, supportive arms, and to be understood. I hope you don’t lose faith in others, and that you receive the help you (and everyone) deserves.
It’s late. I’m scrolling Substack. My new obsession. I just went down the Eileen Dougherty rabbit hole. Read 5 or 6. Then got lost in your substack recommendations. Found my way back. Listened to you read a poem about Kindness. Subscribed. Hope you still live in Chicago. I’m downstate, but stay in Logan Square many weeks. I want to have lunch! I do not want to come off as a stalker though. I’m writing. Trying to retire from a busy life. I make many kinds of art. Creativity is my jam. Working on songs. Comedy. Including standup. It’s my newest thing. Until another new thing comes along. I’m 63. I’m my best friend and sister. I’ve got my own health things… but damn that Parkinson’s is a bitch. I’m glad you have your people. You’ve inspired me. Maybe. Maybe. I’ll write here. I feel Anne Lamott sneaking her amazing self into every piece of yours that I perused. Xoxo. Sandra
I'm honored you would brave a rabbit hole of my stuff! I'm glad you are writing and working on songs and trying out standup. YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Art is the best way to transition from a busy life. DM me here when you're coming to Chicago and we can see about lunch.
I absolutely love this piece, Eileen. I can relate on many levels, specifically a bi-polar mother, alcoholic parents and no understanding of how to voice my needs/wants (even if I did, I could not have defined them at the time nor would I have been allowed)
Now in my mid 40's I'm slowly hearing that voice. You're not wrong about menopause resetting you - dare I say upgrading you- to have and know your voice. To put you frist. From what I've studied, all the people pleasing estrogen takes an exit, and for the first time, you can't pretend to care. The truth comes out! I know for some this sounds scary and menopause is dreaded. It sounds to me like a dream! Until then, me and my perimenopause self are warming up until the time comes.
I love your attitude, Ashley. Team IDGAF is always looking for new members, glad you’re warming up! It is truly a relief to let it all go. ps your ink is GORGEOUS.
This was incredibly beautiful and sad all in one Eileen - and I’m sitting with you and thanking you for sharing it. For all of us who didn’t have a voice for the longest time and now write to help others. Who also aren’t quite sure of the meaning of “help”.
Not that your circumstances weren't uniquely brutal, Eileen (FFS!!), but I am struck by how often there are kids in dysfunctional families who figure out ridiculously early, like before birth, that the only role not already claimed is that of rule follower, peacemaker, i-dotter and t-crosser. The sensitive one. The responsible one. The one who recognizes that the boat can't handle any more rocking without going down.
I don't know how you feel about it now, but I'm pretty darn glad your hormone explosion broke down those walls for you. And that it wasn't cancer.
And for what it's worth, screw those literary estholes.
This was powerful. ✊
Thank you, Elizabeth. I was hesitant to ever publish this one because I still have a relationship with my mother. She has never shown interest in my writing so I doubt she will see it, but as the forever rule following peacemaker, it seems like a major breach of all our unspoken agreements. It does feel like an acknowledgment of an extended period of washing myself clean.
I do have another "esthole" piece! The literary folk did teach me some good stuff...the author mentioned was Wally Lamb, who is a gem of a human being.
I like the idea of washing clean. I think it's especially important when health issues are also in play. One (or more) less ghost to distract us from the mission of squeezing all the juice out of what we've got left.
And if you say the literary folks ended up being worth their salt after all, then I retract my former jab. A gem of a human being does not deserve my unsubstantiated ire.
I love your ire in my defense! And yes, becoming ill can change everything if you decide getting well means putting yourself first. ❤️
Thank you, Peggy. There is so much messy shit that gets sold to us as the way it is…it’s a crazy maker. I’m glad you take care of yourself and found boundaries, they make all the difference. ❤️
Yes they do. Every day I work on those even now.
It was so hard to choose what to restack!
I’m gobsmacked by this and so happy that you’re saying no! Tell them off!
I’m also giddy by how much our pieces this week align — same wavelength 🤍
I love the overlapping themes of late. Can’t wait to get my Caroline on in the am!
I’m just here shaking my head because we always find each other, don’t we? The kids who didn’t get to be kids because someone had to be the adult and no one else seemed capable. My heart hurt reading this, but I also know the relief that comes when you finally stop taking care of everyone. It’s an impossible job. And it’s also a relief and some kind of healing and freedom to put yourself, your feelings, your limits, and your needs on your own radar when you’ve never done that before. Because there wasn’t any space to do that. I just related so much and I’m very grateful our paths crossed. Sending you hugs and love across the interwebs, Eileen 🤍 So glad to know you xx
ALLY!!! I read a lot of Anne Lamott when I first started writing, this quote smashed me right between the eyes...
“I never used to take my turn. I always gave my turn away. I helped others have a great turn. I must have had a clipboard by the time I was six, because by then I had a whole caseload of people to keep track of. After they had all gotten a turn, then maybe I could go, if there was time and it didn't bother anyone.
Now I take my turn, as a radical act.”
AS A RADICAL ACT. And we DO find each other, because we need some support to continue taking our turns. I love love love all the strong women here banding together. It gives me hope.
ps I listened to your pod yesterday, I didn't know it was a discussion and not a straight reading of the essay. BRILLZ.
I just love her. Bird by Bird is probably the book I’ve given as a gift the most often, and not just to writers. She’s so funny and open and wonderful. And this is such an incredible quote you shared. All of us with our little clipboards!
And oh my gosh I’m so glad you liked the podcast. I had to record it twice this week because I wasn’t happy the first time around, and that’s never happened before. I think I’m so fired up I just went off the rails lol. Anyway I’m so glad you enjoyed. Hugs and love.
All the best work is done off the rails 🤪🤪🤪🤪
I've given away many copies of Bird by Bird. I call it "the manual".
Hugs and love back. Wishing you a relaxing holiday FREE OF SHOUTY CAPS
Let us hope lol 😂
I don't have a mentally ill mother but I've got an older brother with fairly profound autism and an alcoholic father and I, too, was a very capable kid often described as being "7 going on 37." My brother wasn't even accurately diagnosed until 1985, when I was 20. I understand every single word of this, and you've helped me understand more about why I write.
Living with an undiagnosed brother for two decades is a heavy assignment. I’m glad writing has helped you, I feel so much less alone now that I’ve been able to put it into words.
WOW. What a story! What a skilled storyteller you are. I don’t scream because I am afraid I would never stop.
Understood. Thank you for your kind words.
I am brand new to your writing. I LOVE this!!! I was the middle child in a messy fessy family ...except I had a sewing machine not a clipboard. This was a fantastic share...and I SO can relate. I told someone recently that we had one of everything in my 6 siblings...one anorexic, one violent behavior, one blind mouse in the hole, a sociopath narcissist, a cloistered nun (who left eventually when they discovered her eating disorder) and one young brother who helped EVERYONE because he was a HELPER but died of pancreatic cancer at 46...he was the ONLY one he didn't take all the time to help! Oh my...I am now fine after off and on therapy and a great hypnotist in Michigan. and menopause where I just take good care of me now. I made a business of the sewing and that is awesome. I didn't know what a boundary was until after 50. THANK YOU...Keep writing. I love Anne Lamott. WAY to go...way to WRITE!
Also curious about the blind mouse in the hole.
I refer to that as "cameling" with one's head in the sand- which camels of course don't do but it's amusing to visualize them trying.
Blind mouse in the hole is a person who sees what is happening, but chooses to pretend all is fine by sticking their mind in a place where they cannot "see" what the reality is. Ignores the signs and signals and makes up an alternate reality where they 'live" in a hole they have dug for themselves.
Aha! I have known many a mouse! Thank you for the explanation.
Oh love, sending you a hug.
I so feel this. I, too, was assigned the role of Ms. Fix It in my family. And what happened in the end was me having to spend the past many years trying to fix myself. Everyone has a breaking point. Also, yes to the bourbon making it better and then making it worse. Found that out the hard way. <3
It’s so good to feel like people get it, I took this piece to a writing group and it went nowhere so I figured it was not worth salvaging.
I was thinking when I read Ally’s comment on this thread about how we find each other about the first piece I read of yours. When I read the title “You Should Have Left the Light On”, I immediately thought “like in Sinead’s Troy?” and opened it. As I read, my mouth just dropped, I could not believe how much I felt your words. The wound is always close to the surface but feeling like I have peers who are able to put these experiences into words changes everything.
Life is better with less bourbon but I fully support your martini 🍸
<3
(It was a good martini. And just the one! As opposed to "ah fuck it". ;-) I can't go near brown liquor anymore. It makes me the devil)
One of my cousins said she thought I “raised myself.” Your story resonates with me, although my situation was a little different. There was no brother to care for, and my father was out of the picture. But I too dealt with a mentally ill mother. She was also physically disabled, and as an only child it was my job to care for her as well as for myself. I understand the screaming.
That is such a major responsibility for a child. I have no doubt it was crushing. I hope the screaming is under control, thank you for taking the time to share here. Sometimes knowing people get it can be a source of comfort.
I’m sorry. No one deserves what has happened to you. Every person deserves to be loved, to be helped, to rest in loving, supportive arms, and to be understood. I hope you don’t lose faith in others, and that you receive the help you (and everyone) deserves.
I am in a very solid place now. And my faith in humanity is intact. Thanks for the kind words ❤️
It’s late. I’m scrolling Substack. My new obsession. I just went down the Eileen Dougherty rabbit hole. Read 5 or 6. Then got lost in your substack recommendations. Found my way back. Listened to you read a poem about Kindness. Subscribed. Hope you still live in Chicago. I’m downstate, but stay in Logan Square many weeks. I want to have lunch! I do not want to come off as a stalker though. I’m writing. Trying to retire from a busy life. I make many kinds of art. Creativity is my jam. Working on songs. Comedy. Including standup. It’s my newest thing. Until another new thing comes along. I’m 63. I’m my best friend and sister. I’ve got my own health things… but damn that Parkinson’s is a bitch. I’m glad you have your people. You’ve inspired me. Maybe. Maybe. I’ll write here. I feel Anne Lamott sneaking her amazing self into every piece of yours that I perused. Xoxo. Sandra
I'm honored you would brave a rabbit hole of my stuff! I'm glad you are writing and working on songs and trying out standup. YOU ARE AMAZING!!! Art is the best way to transition from a busy life. DM me here when you're coming to Chicago and we can see about lunch.
I absolutely love this piece, Eileen. I can relate on many levels, specifically a bi-polar mother, alcoholic parents and no understanding of how to voice my needs/wants (even if I did, I could not have defined them at the time nor would I have been allowed)
Now in my mid 40's I'm slowly hearing that voice. You're not wrong about menopause resetting you - dare I say upgrading you- to have and know your voice. To put you frist. From what I've studied, all the people pleasing estrogen takes an exit, and for the first time, you can't pretend to care. The truth comes out! I know for some this sounds scary and menopause is dreaded. It sounds to me like a dream! Until then, me and my perimenopause self are warming up until the time comes.
I love your attitude, Ashley. Team IDGAF is always looking for new members, glad you’re warming up! It is truly a relief to let it all go. ps your ink is GORGEOUS.
Seriously brutal. Mad respect at your coping skills. Love you.
Love you 😘
This was incredibly beautiful and sad all in one Eileen - and I’m sitting with you and thanking you for sharing it. For all of us who didn’t have a voice for the longest time and now write to help others. Who also aren’t quite sure of the meaning of “help”.
Thank you so much for sitting with me. I so appreciate it, especially because your time and energy are precious and finite. #SPOONS
I relate to much of this.