I just read a moment ago “there is a beautiful creature living in the hole you have dug.” Hi, I dig holes and the put myself in them. I’ve built those shells and walls around myself. And like Ally I’ve kept my mouth shut when I wanted to scream.
Somehow joy survives…and we come out of our holes — still beautiful 🤍
I’m so glad you found joy in one of my favourite cities - it sounds like a wonderful 40 hours!
I too have many drafts on the go that end up going round and round in incoherent circles - you are not alone.
You’re also not alone in your rage about how men hate women. View us as property. I lost a friend this week because he felt I wasn’t being kind enough to men (I had written a few pieces on misogyny and domestic violence). I didn’t see it coming either - he got very angry and very “not all men!”
Then I read about Gisele Pelicot and cried. Raged. Plotted. Sat in stunned silence wondering how I can help. I’ve been researching her case and trying to write an article on it … but I just can’t get past how many men it was. How many from all walks of life were willing to harm her. How no one tried to stop it.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend getting bent out of shape. Unfortunately we don't have the time to reprogram people to have empathy. They can choose to get up to speed or be left behind with their bros. Rest assured, they won't be lonely.
I have lots of fight left and I know you do too. Keep on being loud and proud. I am in awe of your energy here.
Aww thank you for saying! I am certainly loud and proud - and I bring my energy here since I have no energy for real world activities lol. Love the idea of letting them either get up to speed or get left behind. Enough coddling. Enough explaining. Just ENOUGH.
Im thinking too about the filming part. Like, it’s almost as if the husband wanted it to be discovered at some point, either after his death perhaps or by accident. (They say the folder he kept the shit oh was labeled ‘abuse’. I mean, Jesus, if he hated her so much why not leave her?)
These men (so many) with their sick fantasies went into these situations and willingly did what they did. One was a neighbor!
Did they know they were being filmed?
How do you get so sick you would want to do something like that? I guess it’s like how do you get so sick you’d take a gun and murder others.
Men who are involved in a chat room revolving around having an unconscious partner are difficult group to wrap your head around. When the Bill Cosby story broke I kept thinking "but Bill Cosby could have sex with anyone he wanted, he's a revered celebrity!" But it really has zero to do with sex. It's about power and domination and humiliation and deniability. I just can't get over the husband taking her to doctor's appointments for her memory loss knowing he was actively poisoning and torturing her. Evil.
It is mind boggling and I agree it seemed like he wanted to get caught. Or perhaps he was just THAT entitled and genuinely thought he had a right to do whatever he wanted to his spouse (and daughter).
The NYC trip sounds amazing! That feeling called "joy" - good lord, it's so strange to have it creep back after such a long hiatus. I'm begging it sticks around for awhile so we all can get better acquainted. I don't think I can survive a crushing in Nov, and neither will "hope" or "joy."
Also, interesting idea about having difficult conversations with people about how they have disappointed or hurt us. Can't imagine it, really. With parents like we've had, we've been trained (drilled?) that doing something like that is not only impossible, it's incredibly dangerous, with results far worse than an uncomfortable chat. No freaking way I could ever allow myself to verbalize my silly little feelings - not without grave punishment, Jerry Springer episodes, or demolishment of my self worth. At our house we just pretended it never happened and moved on, packing another brick of resentment or shame into our backpack and carried on. Just the very idea . . . so foreign.
Will miss you this week. I hope you both have a lovely few days together!
Great piece. Even if I didn't know you, if I read your stuff I would say give me more of this! So glad you found joy in NYC ( I have been NYC adjacent about 5 times but still haven't done it properly) John Batiste is awesome. Hmm, what else? YOU are awesome! 😀
You and C are the best!! I hope your travels take you to NYC someday (I'm sure they could benefit from a naturopathic gastro talk!) There's something about the energy there that is like no other place. xoxoxo
Eileen, dangit you just took me on one helluva ride. With you, I went from excited anticipation to exhaustion, to rage, to resolve, and back to joy. And then Ally Hamilton tucked in among it all. I'm glad you had a good time in New York, and I'm glad you remembered and shared the plane conversation. I've maintained for years now that we have more in common than we tend to think, and that we'd be much more civil were we in a room with our political adversaries. Telling people, respectfully, how we feel is risky, and I'm not very good at it (except here and there in things I write), so I appreciate all the examples shared here. Onward, indeed!
I so appreciate YOU, Elizabeth. I always look forward to your thoughts here on the Stack and the pieces you recommend are fantastic. Quality brain food FTW 🙌🏼
Another brilliant read, and thanks for pointing me to Ally Hamilton too.
I’ve been playing wordle for a while, and then watched the MeToo movie and seriously considered buying a subscription to the NYT as a thank you. Then I read three books about Trump (doing my own research from NZ) and some shit they did in 2016 and decided “yeah nah”.
I am glad my city was good to you! Also I love Chicago and go there at least twice a year.
And...I am with you. I never tell people when I am in a bad way, I got very self protective and quiet in the past few years, partially bc of health/mental health issues and partly because sometimes it seems Not Worth It. But I also can't hate everyone and not talk ever, because we all need each other, so it's a real coleslaw. I am also all in for Kamala and I honestly need to just find my enthusiasm again....I seem to have misplaced it somewhere...
I just snort laughed at your use of the word "coleslaw". It really can be a crunchy, sour, watery mess dealing with other people. I deem about 92% of my interactions with the world to be Not Worth It. If I answer "How are you?" with "Less murdery", I count it as a win.
Eileen I just love you. I loved this whole piece because it was you, saying how you feel and what you think, and I want to know those things.
I loved your trip to NYC (hometown in the house, woot) and You Are My Sunshine is a song I sang to my kids every night for years on end. I love the thought of a venue full of people tearing up because it’s what we all need right now. And I loved the woman on the plane saying how she felt, and that the man listened respectfully whether it changed anything or not (I hope it did).
I appreciate the shoutout so much. That one lesson took me DECADES to learn and it’s only “easy” for me with the closest people in my life, because I know they know how to have hard conversations or sticky moments and I know I can even get things wrong and it will be okay. I can be messy or obsessive and they’ll still love me. And of course the same goes for them. It’s such an amazing feeling when you can be your whole, absurd self with someone and know you’re safe. Anyway. I adore you. I’m so happy we’ve connected here. And I loved this essay so much ❤️
It IS what we need right now. I love that I keep ending up at these concerts (especially since I don't go out much) where I leave feeling like things might actually be ok. Everyone was watching the show with their real eyes and hearts, a few snapped pics but there wasn't a sea of iPhones recording. It was so calming to see everyone just being present and soaking it in.
And YES, it's everything when you find your people. I do all kinds of wacky annoying shit and it's just unconditionally accepted. To feel safe being who you are is the key to life.
I adore you too and I cannot wait for you to school me with some Ally realness again soon. ❤️
What a great read, thank you. I could feel your positive energy (and anger) emanate from the essay… I could hear it just buzz with truth and meaning. Please take care of yourself… we (who won’t let the bullshit bulldozer numb us for very long) need each other. We need to support our beliefs in a humane existence based on love, truth, and compassion even if it’s just through Substack messages… cynicism can’t drown us if we hold each other up in goodness, and kindness, and hope.
Ally IS awesome. Thank you sooo much for being part of the chain of kindness that holds us all up around here. You are 100% correct, standing together is key.
Thanks to brilliant and brave writers like you and Ally, the People’s Republic of Substackistan is becoming my favorite hangout and quickly replacing my need for 'real life' connections (those can be so fraught!). So heartening to find others who have cancelled their New York Times subscription due to the paper’s relentless ‘sane-washing’ (great word! Will steal!) of one candidate’s messy pile of diarrhea and giving it equal if not more coverage than the healthy and filling nutrient bar with terrible middle east policies on the other side. Why is this even a contest? (other than for minority rule/ gerrymandering/ the electoral college/ fucking SCOTUS/ and Citizens United?) It boggles the mind. Thank you for your posts and sorry for ranting. But mostly, thank you.
Apologies, I guess I only answered this in my head. FUCK The NY Times and Citizens United and slimy SCOTUS and gerrymandering and Project 2025 and the electoral college and “undecided” voters who apparently need attention so badly that they are willing to act like a reasonable human person and a pile of diarrhea requires more analysis.
YOU’RE A JOY DEALER!!!!
I just read a moment ago “there is a beautiful creature living in the hole you have dug.” Hi, I dig holes and the put myself in them. I’ve built those shells and walls around myself. And like Ally I’ve kept my mouth shut when I wanted to scream.
Somehow joy survives…and we come out of our holes — still beautiful 🤍
To coming out of our shells just in time for sweater weather. Still beautiful indeed. ❤️
I’m so glad you found joy in one of my favourite cities - it sounds like a wonderful 40 hours!
I too have many drafts on the go that end up going round and round in incoherent circles - you are not alone.
You’re also not alone in your rage about how men hate women. View us as property. I lost a friend this week because he felt I wasn’t being kind enough to men (I had written a few pieces on misogyny and domestic violence). I didn’t see it coming either - he got very angry and very “not all men!”
Then I read about Gisele Pelicot and cried. Raged. Plotted. Sat in stunned silence wondering how I can help. I’ve been researching her case and trying to write an article on it … but I just can’t get past how many men it was. How many from all walks of life were willing to harm her. How no one tried to stop it.
It’s bleak - but we must keep fighting!
I'm sorry to hear about your friend getting bent out of shape. Unfortunately we don't have the time to reprogram people to have empathy. They can choose to get up to speed or be left behind with their bros. Rest assured, they won't be lonely.
I have lots of fight left and I know you do too. Keep on being loud and proud. I am in awe of your energy here.
Aww thank you for saying! I am certainly loud and proud - and I bring my energy here since I have no energy for real world activities lol. Love the idea of letting them either get up to speed or get left behind. Enough coddling. Enough explaining. Just ENOUGH.
We must keep fighting. Gisele's story is horrific. May her courage fuel ours and others!
Im thinking too about the filming part. Like, it’s almost as if the husband wanted it to be discovered at some point, either after his death perhaps or by accident. (They say the folder he kept the shit oh was labeled ‘abuse’. I mean, Jesus, if he hated her so much why not leave her?)
These men (so many) with their sick fantasies went into these situations and willingly did what they did. One was a neighbor!
Did they know they were being filmed?
How do you get so sick you would want to do something like that? I guess it’s like how do you get so sick you’d take a gun and murder others.
It really is mind-boggling and scary and sad.
Men who are involved in a chat room revolving around having an unconscious partner are difficult group to wrap your head around. When the Bill Cosby story broke I kept thinking "but Bill Cosby could have sex with anyone he wanted, he's a revered celebrity!" But it really has zero to do with sex. It's about power and domination and humiliation and deniability. I just can't get over the husband taking her to doctor's appointments for her memory loss knowing he was actively poisoning and torturing her. Evil.
It is mind boggling and I agree it seemed like he wanted to get caught. Or perhaps he was just THAT entitled and genuinely thought he had a right to do whatever he wanted to his spouse (and daughter).
The NYC trip sounds amazing! That feeling called "joy" - good lord, it's so strange to have it creep back after such a long hiatus. I'm begging it sticks around for awhile so we all can get better acquainted. I don't think I can survive a crushing in Nov, and neither will "hope" or "joy."
Also, interesting idea about having difficult conversations with people about how they have disappointed or hurt us. Can't imagine it, really. With parents like we've had, we've been trained (drilled?) that doing something like that is not only impossible, it's incredibly dangerous, with results far worse than an uncomfortable chat. No freaking way I could ever allow myself to verbalize my silly little feelings - not without grave punishment, Jerry Springer episodes, or demolishment of my self worth. At our house we just pretended it never happened and moved on, packing another brick of resentment or shame into our backpack and carried on. Just the very idea . . . so foreign.
Will miss you this week. I hope you both have a lovely few days together!
OH my goodness, I LOVED this.
Thank you 🙏
Great piece. Even if I didn't know you, if I read your stuff I would say give me more of this! So glad you found joy in NYC ( I have been NYC adjacent about 5 times but still haven't done it properly) John Batiste is awesome. Hmm, what else? YOU are awesome! 😀
You and C are the best!! I hope your travels take you to NYC someday (I'm sure they could benefit from a naturopathic gastro talk!) There's something about the energy there that is like no other place. xoxoxo
Eileen, dangit you just took me on one helluva ride. With you, I went from excited anticipation to exhaustion, to rage, to resolve, and back to joy. And then Ally Hamilton tucked in among it all. I'm glad you had a good time in New York, and I'm glad you remembered and shared the plane conversation. I've maintained for years now that we have more in common than we tend to think, and that we'd be much more civil were we in a room with our political adversaries. Telling people, respectfully, how we feel is risky, and I'm not very good at it (except here and there in things I write), so I appreciate all the examples shared here. Onward, indeed!
I so appreciate YOU, Elizabeth. I always look forward to your thoughts here on the Stack and the pieces you recommend are fantastic. Quality brain food FTW 🙌🏼
Another brilliant read, and thanks for pointing me to Ally Hamilton too.
I’ve been playing wordle for a while, and then watched the MeToo movie and seriously considered buying a subscription to the NYT as a thank you. Then I read three books about Trump (doing my own research from NZ) and some shit they did in 2016 and decided “yeah nah”.
Love this, real and funny and true. Thanks for sharing your darks and your lights.
Thanks, Anna. 🙏
I am glad my city was good to you! Also I love Chicago and go there at least twice a year.
And...I am with you. I never tell people when I am in a bad way, I got very self protective and quiet in the past few years, partially bc of health/mental health issues and partly because sometimes it seems Not Worth It. But I also can't hate everyone and not talk ever, because we all need each other, so it's a real coleslaw. I am also all in for Kamala and I honestly need to just find my enthusiasm again....I seem to have misplaced it somewhere...
I just snort laughed at your use of the word "coleslaw". It really can be a crunchy, sour, watery mess dealing with other people. I deem about 92% of my interactions with the world to be Not Worth It. If I answer "How are you?" with "Less murdery", I count it as a win.
Haha less murdery is excellent
Eileen I just love you. I loved this whole piece because it was you, saying how you feel and what you think, and I want to know those things.
I loved your trip to NYC (hometown in the house, woot) and You Are My Sunshine is a song I sang to my kids every night for years on end. I love the thought of a venue full of people tearing up because it’s what we all need right now. And I loved the woman on the plane saying how she felt, and that the man listened respectfully whether it changed anything or not (I hope it did).
I appreciate the shoutout so much. That one lesson took me DECADES to learn and it’s only “easy” for me with the closest people in my life, because I know they know how to have hard conversations or sticky moments and I know I can even get things wrong and it will be okay. I can be messy or obsessive and they’ll still love me. And of course the same goes for them. It’s such an amazing feeling when you can be your whole, absurd self with someone and know you’re safe. Anyway. I adore you. I’m so happy we’ve connected here. And I loved this essay so much ❤️
It IS what we need right now. I love that I keep ending up at these concerts (especially since I don't go out much) where I leave feeling like things might actually be ok. Everyone was watching the show with their real eyes and hearts, a few snapped pics but there wasn't a sea of iPhones recording. It was so calming to see everyone just being present and soaking it in.
And YES, it's everything when you find your people. I do all kinds of wacky annoying shit and it's just unconditionally accepted. To feel safe being who you are is the key to life.
I adore you too and I cannot wait for you to school me with some Ally realness again soon. ❤️
Eileen,
What a great read, thank you. I could feel your positive energy (and anger) emanate from the essay… I could hear it just buzz with truth and meaning. Please take care of yourself… we (who won’t let the bullshit bulldozer numb us for very long) need each other. We need to support our beliefs in a humane existence based on love, truth, and compassion even if it’s just through Substack messages… cynicism can’t drown us if we hold each other up in goodness, and kindness, and hope.
Steve
PS Ally is awesome.
Ally IS awesome. Thank you sooo much for being part of the chain of kindness that holds us all up around here. You are 100% correct, standing together is key.
Thank you for doing the research, Lucy. Your "yeah nah" warms my heart. NZ gives NYT the NOPE.
Thanks to brilliant and brave writers like you and Ally, the People’s Republic of Substackistan is becoming my favorite hangout and quickly replacing my need for 'real life' connections (those can be so fraught!). So heartening to find others who have cancelled their New York Times subscription due to the paper’s relentless ‘sane-washing’ (great word! Will steal!) of one candidate’s messy pile of diarrhea and giving it equal if not more coverage than the healthy and filling nutrient bar with terrible middle east policies on the other side. Why is this even a contest? (other than for minority rule/ gerrymandering/ the electoral college/ fucking SCOTUS/ and Citizens United?) It boggles the mind. Thank you for your posts and sorry for ranting. But mostly, thank you.
Apologies, I guess I only answered this in my head. FUCK The NY Times and Citizens United and slimy SCOTUS and gerrymandering and Project 2025 and the electoral college and “undecided” voters who apparently need attention so badly that they are willing to act like a reasonable human person and a pile of diarrhea requires more analysis.