2) men are genuinely good with direct dialogue, let’s shut down that mansplaining.
3) good on you for looking out for your kids. I see a lot of kids on the airplane that don’t think anyone cares about them. I love seeing a mama grizzly in her natural habitat 🐻
Damn, Eileen!!! Do I want comfort or solutions?…I want it all and that’s the problem, right? I like comfort in the short term but if I want things to last…
Also, I suddenly aspire to be referred to as a Battle Axe 🫢
Getting the vote in the mail was a surprising source of endorphins! Oooh, how many times can we do that? Remind me.
Friend with MS taught me to count spoons a couple of decades ago. She started her day with only 6. Like Hamilton’s mother, they went quick. She’s gone but I often have to ration my spoons.
Not being a saintly FA, I need something similar with patience or tolerance. Say I start each day with 6 fucks to give. I wonder how long till I had none.
Oh. My. God! Eileen, I don't think we can label what I'm doing right now as laughing. It's closer to howling! This is the REAL version of "Everything I Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten," and I love you for it.
A friend and co-worker recently texted the following to me in the middle of a Zoom meeting: "I love how direct and no bullshit you are 🫶. I'm always worried about making someone cry." The closing line of my reply was "I'm a little too old to care." This, I'm coming to realize, is the beauty of the crone years. And yet, I'm still learning. Totally going to employ the comfort or solutions approach. I've already got a version of that going here for when my dear partner drops into mansplaining and I remind him that I didn't ask him to fix it for me.
I'm also reminded of a time I was having it out with an in-airport airline representative. My young children were flying solo from NC to NY, and I'd called ahead to confirm that I could meet them in Baltimore to ensure they made their connecting flight. When I arrived, there was an officious woman standing between me and my offspring. Well into our stand-off she said, through clenched teeth, "What is it you want me to do?" to which I replied..."I...WANT...YOU...TO...LET...ME...SEE...MY CHILDREN..."
Love this, Eileen. Can't imagine the terrors of being on the receiving end of customer service and having to 'calmly' deal with everyone's freak-outs. Kudos to you, friend. Also going to share the comfort or solutions thing with my wife who as a lawyer on the spectrum can't help offering solutions to my every rant and gets frustrated when there isn't one. I just want COMFORT, darling.
I feel your wife’s “must problem solve” attitude…especially for a lawyer on the spectrum. Some of us are hardwired that way. I thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts here. I never feel alone in this space and I am grateful.
Brilliant work. As a recovering problem solver myself, I am going to use these questions in the future before I dive right into the solution. After all, it is probably 50/50 as to whether people want a solution or just to be heard. The spoons are a great illustration for energy. You’ve always been able to rock the short hair so I’m sure a pixie cut will be so very cute on you.
“Listening to manipulative whinging takes an Oneida outlet store inventory of spoons, for the record.”
Loved this so much. What a perfect description of the amount of spoons one requires to deal with certain energy zapping situations.
Thank you for sharing your story and for reminding me of the importance of clarifying what someone needs - do you need a shoulder and an ear? Or do you need solutions?
Love this! I do a version with my daughter now, because she's accused me in the past of not taking her side. So now I ask/ Do you need me to be the friend who's listening or do you need the mom? Well trained now.
And sometimes she needs me to say "...that f#%* bitch!" I oblige. But it's SO hard to leave the mother /mentor role. And the boundary for helpful is constantly moving. I try to be vigilant because I want to avoid enabling AND overreach. Even when she actively asks for my opinion, sometimes I force myself to say "I think you've got this," or "You have a lot of experience here, what do you think?" Sometimes they just need someone to validate their capabilities...
I loved this so much, Eileen. I do think the majority of the time people just want someone to listen attentively and understand. Or to express empathy. For a long time my ingrained response was to go into problem-solving mode. And somehow, some way at some point I began to catch myself and stop doing that. Now I will ask if someone I love is sharing something difficult - do you want my thoughts, or do you just want me to listen? Better for everyone. And oh boy did I relate to the conversation with your mom. I felt that in my bones. I am also beside myself over the election and just hoping, praying, donating, phone banking and writing my ass off that things will go in a sane direction. Sending you love and hugs. Hope the visit with your mom is good 🤍
So far mom visit has had zero hugs or ice cream but sometimes that’s how it goes.
Problem solving mode is the immediate reflex to peeps like you and me….born to fix stuff.
It feels good to break with that and just sit with someone and listen. Attention and time are so valuable right now, especially when we’re all focused on November 5. Sending you tons of love and positive energy ❤️🥰
There's a lot here that applies to my current sitch. I'm familiar with the spoon theory, though I've never applied it to myself. I don't even know how to measure a spoonful. I have no idea about any of it until my entire silverware drawer is empty. Not ideal.
And I also find myself in the position of not wanting to/being able to do the comforting or the problem solving or the thing someone is needing and not getting from me. Even with a big stack of spoons. Not handling that like a mature adult either lately.
Your sitch is way more complicated than my fairly dumbed down example. I’m sure you’re at max overload. I would have no mature adult left in me either.
Elizabeth!
1) too old to care is real AF and it’s incredible
2) men are genuinely good with direct dialogue, let’s shut down that mansplaining.
3) good on you for looking out for your kids. I see a lot of kids on the airplane that don’t think anyone cares about them. I love seeing a mama grizzly in her natural habitat 🐻
Damn, Eileen!!! Do I want comfort or solutions?…I want it all and that’s the problem, right? I like comfort in the short term but if I want things to last…
Also, I suddenly aspire to be referred to as a Battle Axe 🫢
That is a fine point that sometimes you want both. That is reasonable!
I have no doubt that a baby battle axe lives in you….. 🪓
Clappity clap clap! I’ve got maple sea salt ice cream in the freezer and will keep snarky commentary about your mom’s friends to myself.
Maple and sea salt? Sounds like autumnal bliss. 🍁
Getting the vote in the mail was a surprising source of endorphins! Oooh, how many times can we do that? Remind me.
Friend with MS taught me to count spoons a couple of decades ago. She started her day with only 6. Like Hamilton’s mother, they went quick. She’s gone but I often have to ration my spoons.
Not being a saintly FA, I need something similar with patience or tolerance. Say I start each day with 6 fucks to give. I wonder how long till I had none.
You amaze me, kid.
Vote all you want! Early and often!
Fucks are a highly favored form of measurement. I think it’s good to start with ZERO and go from there 🤪
Thank you for your counsel.
Oh. My. God! Eileen, I don't think we can label what I'm doing right now as laughing. It's closer to howling! This is the REAL version of "Everything I Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten," and I love you for it.
A friend and co-worker recently texted the following to me in the middle of a Zoom meeting: "I love how direct and no bullshit you are 🫶. I'm always worried about making someone cry." The closing line of my reply was "I'm a little too old to care." This, I'm coming to realize, is the beauty of the crone years. And yet, I'm still learning. Totally going to employ the comfort or solutions approach. I've already got a version of that going here for when my dear partner drops into mansplaining and I remind him that I didn't ask him to fix it for me.
I'm also reminded of a time I was having it out with an in-airport airline representative. My young children were flying solo from NC to NY, and I'd called ahead to confirm that I could meet them in Baltimore to ensure they made their connecting flight. When I arrived, there was an officious woman standing between me and my offspring. Well into our stand-off she said, through clenched teeth, "What is it you want me to do?" to which I replied..."I...WANT...YOU...TO...LET...ME...SEE...MY CHILDREN..."
She did. I did. See, wasn't that so easy? 😅
Love this, Eileen. Can't imagine the terrors of being on the receiving end of customer service and having to 'calmly' deal with everyone's freak-outs. Kudos to you, friend. Also going to share the comfort or solutions thing with my wife who as a lawyer on the spectrum can't help offering solutions to my every rant and gets frustrated when there isn't one. I just want COMFORT, darling.
I feel your wife’s “must problem solve” attitude…especially for a lawyer on the spectrum. Some of us are hardwired that way. I thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts here. I never feel alone in this space and I am grateful.
Same. Thanks to you.
Brilliant work. As a recovering problem solver myself, I am going to use these questions in the future before I dive right into the solution. After all, it is probably 50/50 as to whether people want a solution or just to be heard. The spoons are a great illustration for energy. You’ve always been able to rock the short hair so I’m sure a pixie cut will be so very cute on you.
Love you P. Tuesday we rally! ❤️
“Listening to manipulative whinging takes an Oneida outlet store inventory of spoons, for the record.”
Loved this so much. What a perfect description of the amount of spoons one requires to deal with certain energy zapping situations.
Thank you for sharing your story and for reminding me of the importance of clarifying what someone needs - do you need a shoulder and an ear? Or do you need solutions?
So simple yet so impactful!
Love this! I do a version with my daughter now, because she's accused me in the past of not taking her side. So now I ask/ Do you need me to be the friend who's listening or do you need the mom? Well trained now.
And sometimes she needs me to say "...that f#%* bitch!" I oblige. But it's SO hard to leave the mother /mentor role. And the boundary for helpful is constantly moving. I try to be vigilant because I want to avoid enabling AND overreach. Even when she actively asks for my opinion, sometimes I force myself to say "I think you've got this," or "You have a lot of experience here, what do you think?" Sometimes they just need someone to validate their capabilities...
Oh I like this very much as well! What a lovely mom 🥰
I loved this so much, Eileen. I do think the majority of the time people just want someone to listen attentively and understand. Or to express empathy. For a long time my ingrained response was to go into problem-solving mode. And somehow, some way at some point I began to catch myself and stop doing that. Now I will ask if someone I love is sharing something difficult - do you want my thoughts, or do you just want me to listen? Better for everyone. And oh boy did I relate to the conversation with your mom. I felt that in my bones. I am also beside myself over the election and just hoping, praying, donating, phone banking and writing my ass off that things will go in a sane direction. Sending you love and hugs. Hope the visit with your mom is good 🤍
And ice cream. Salt and Straw is a good choice. 🍦 🍦🍦🍦🍦🍦
So far mom visit has had zero hugs or ice cream but sometimes that’s how it goes.
Problem solving mode is the immediate reflex to peeps like you and me….born to fix stuff.
It feels good to break with that and just sit with someone and listen. Attention and time are so valuable right now, especially when we’re all focused on November 5. Sending you tons of love and positive energy ❤️🥰
My god. Absolutely fantastic. Thank you. Please pardon me while I read this again. And again.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I LIKE THIS VERY MUCH.
Also, I can't get Spoonman out of my head now. I don't mind that one bit. Safe travels, love.
I almost…almost included that video because Artis the spoon man was a regular at my rock and roll laundromat. Sit and Spin for the win.
Don't do the pixie cut. You will regret it.
Sound advice. Was thinking it might be inevitable after the brain surgery. Might just rock a beanie.
I disagree. You might love the pixie cut. And if you don’t, it will grow out. It’s a no lose situation
Or you can get a kick ass wig. There are always options.
Love this so much. From a fellow spoonie.
YES ❤️🥄🥄🥄🥄❤️
There's a lot here that applies to my current sitch. I'm familiar with the spoon theory, though I've never applied it to myself. I don't even know how to measure a spoonful. I have no idea about any of it until my entire silverware drawer is empty. Not ideal.
And I also find myself in the position of not wanting to/being able to do the comforting or the problem solving or the thing someone is needing and not getting from me. Even with a big stack of spoons. Not handling that like a mature adult either lately.
Your sitch is way more complicated than my fairly dumbed down example. I’m sure you’re at max overload. I would have no mature adult left in me either.